“Starve me. I want you to starve me.”

I felt a lump in my throat as I nervously tried to swallow. Here I was, just Zak and I, with an intimate request. Nowhere to go but in.

Two weeks ago, I scheduled an appointment with a somatic therapist after reflecting with my girlfriends about wanting a healthy masculine presence in my life. That’s when they mentioned Zak.

“You’ve learned the skill of empathy to survive,” Zak said. “These skills have repeatedly served you well. They’ve taught you to listen, to be vigilant, to manage, and to create allies. But they’ve also led you to prioritize serving others before checking on your own needs.”

“The right people for you won’t have a problem with you sharing your own desires. In fact, they will encourage it. So, I want you to leave me out of it. Go ‘home’ first. Fully receive a compliment, support, affirmation, or help without feeling the need to give anything in return. Use your fire and trust that when it emerges, it’s because you know exactly what you need and want. It’s not just fair—it’s essential.”

Gulp. Here’s the thing: Three sentences into Zak’s request, I was already slipping into my old habits. When he asked if I needed the temperature adjusted in the room, I responded, “No, I’m good. Unless you’re warm, I don’t mind if you cool it down.” He gave me a side-eye.

Inherently, I didn’t see anything wrong. “Don’t do that,” Zak said. “Just share what you need without thinking about me for now.”

Zak wasn’t suggesting I should never be flexible or meet people where they are. Instead, he was highlighting that as an empathetic person, I often overcorrect to create ‘safety.’ I think, “If you’re good, then I’m good.” But what happens if I’m not good? Why should those needs be ignored?

Highly empathetic people often attract others who benefit from their constant accommodations. When it’s time to set boundaries, these individuals may struggle to hold space for your requests.

That day, I realized that not everyone will meet you halfway. Sometimes, when you starve people who are used to being well-fed, you discover that you haven’t established loving bonds—you’ve only created surface-level transactions.

I knew that recent shifts in my personal life would make this transition different from others. The grief, the sadness, the hurt, the bypassing, the rigidity—it was all there, and so was I. My breaths were shorter, my nights longer, my heart aching. There is a real physiological effect during times of drastic change.

I owe myself an apology for being in spaces where  I wasn't wanted and valued, but instead, I stayed. For allowing broken connections without being with the reality of my intuition and experience.

I owe myself an apology because my past self NEVER lacked worth in any way.

For many of us, transitioning calls our bodies into unfamiliar territories. Often, we approach life’s challenges with a top-down approach, trying to “think” our way through relocation, heartbreak, career pivots, and family conflicts. If we’re lucky, we seek additional support, usually through cognitive behavioral therapy where we discuss perspectives and childhood. 

However, the undercurrent of traumatic experiences often persists, manifesting in physical sensations like tightness in our throats, stomachaches, or skin issues.

If we don't address the trauma, the stress hormones that the body secretes to protect itself from danger continue to circulate, and the defensive movements and emotional responses from past traumatic events keep replaying in the present.

So what should we do when we face life-altering and challenging events?

As pioneering researcher Bessel van der Kolk, a leading expert on traumatic stress, suggests, our bodies do indeed keep score.

If you’re navigating a transition and seeking support, I highly recommend exploring bottom-up modalities. These therapies focus on the body's role in trauma recovery and often work to balance physiological responses before addressing deeper cognitive and emotional issues.

Somatic Therapy: This approach integrates body and mind, emphasizing how physical sensations and experiences influence emotional well-being. Techniques such as body awareness, movement, and breath work help process trauma, reduce stress, and achieve emotional balance by healing both body and mind.

EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): This therapy involves guided eye movements or other forms of bilateral stimulation while recalling distressing events, helping to reprocess and reduce the emotional charge associated with these memories. The goal is to alleviate trauma symptoms and improve overall emotional well-being.

Internal Family Systems (IFS): Although not exclusively a bottom-up approach, IFS incorporates body awareness to help individuals work with different parts of themselves affected by trauma.

Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: This method integrates body-centered techniques with traditional talk therapy, focusing on how trauma manifests in physical sensations and movements.

Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: This method integrates body-centered techniques with traditional talk therapy, focusing on how trauma manifests in physical sensations and movements.

Our experiences, whether they are transitions, traumas, or daily challenges, call us to a deeper understanding of ourselves. By embracing therapies that address both body and mind, we open the door to a more integrated form of healing. It’s not just about solving problems but about nurturing a balanced, whole self.

If you find yourself in a state of change, remember that it’s okay to prioritize your needs and to seek support that honors both your physical and emotional experiences. 

Healing is a journey that encompasses every part of who we are, and finding the right approach can help you navigate this journey with greater ease and resilience. Trust in your needs, and allow yourself the grace to grow in every way.

All Things,

MG